Sunday, August 11, 2013

The "Me"s in "My" "I"s

Recently I have realized I have started talking too often about myself as if they were separate parts.  “I” told “myself”, “I” treated “myself”, “I” scolded “myself” and all the endless drama that happens in a regular basis within “I”, “me” and “myself” in my world.  From my childhood I was very comfortable being alone. My parents never had to worry much about leaving their “blabbering-to-ownself ” child at home. Somehow I felt and I always feel though I am alone, I am not really alone. 

Very recently I started giving that a thought and wanted to find out the root cause before it is late. Am I growing too selfish or proud? If that is the issue, I must soon find out that germ and flush out from my system before it does any harm. The moment I took my torch and switched it on to check the store-rooms, the neglected niches of drawing and dining rooms inside my mind… I saw there was something so clear, which I looked at everyday and grew so accustomed to, that it was so easy to overlook its obvious presence there. 
I discovered there were quite distinctly three blocks to my apartment. The moment I realized that, I couldn’t help smiling the way Mr. Sherlock Homes would have smiled with a slight nod, when he was first hit with the spark to uncover that murder. In a moment’s time all the drama I have been witnessing was clear.
I could see three people inside me--coexisting, fighting, making up and loving each other in their small sweet family within.

When I first waved at them acknowledging their presence consciously, I was hit with another surprising discovery. Their nature together functioned like an atom. [The Sherlock Homes now takes out his pipe and slides between his lips and goes into some deep chain of thoughts… absorbed, soaked and lost.]
There is a restless explorer like an electron, there is a much stable counterpart like the proton and there is a silent part that remains deep within that observes and is aware—the neutron.
The electron part falls, gets up, runs and spins with its endless dance--curious and revolving to know more about the world in its outermost sphere.
It is vulnerable, exposed and sensitive. It is highly affected to the energy around, sometimes so high it would break open its orbit, quiver there and jump. Sometimes so low, it decides to withdraw and goes inside, knocks at the door, heavy hearted and waits there to be picked up and hugged.
The one that promptly comes and opens the gate and fetches the injured one, lies deep within the consciousness, often undisturbed, almost unattached to the world. She is the proton or lets say one half of the deeply lying part inside the core of the mind—the nucleus.
She is the prudent one. She understands the capacity, the nature, even the unknown hidden secrets of the electron. She is the one that pats on her back when she has learnt, achieved and managed to get up and run. She is the one again that frowns, scolds and warns--like a mother quite helpless of loving that careless child, the mad explorer to the world that does not know what dangers to watch out for. 
However, the one that is very easy to miss out is the neutron. She occupies the other half of that deeply lying nucleus. She is meditative in her nature and mysterious. She talks in the language of silence and almost feels like an illusion. When you feel her presence, there is nothing else as present as her and yet it is so easy to not notice as she does not talk in the language of words.
When the proton scolds the electron while wrapping a bandage against its wounded arm…or kisses to send it to its outermost orbit again, full of energy and enthusiasm, the neutron listens to their conversation and smiles. She is restful and calm, deeply rooted, humming in the same tune with the universe, expertly maintaining the center of gravity as the electron-bit restlessly runs.
When I say “I” I mostly mean the restless one—the one that is constantly trying to make meaning of the world, the one thinking this out and trying to put it in a communicable form. When she cannot articulate, cannot fathom any longer, the proton-bit who knows all about her thoughts comes ahead and prompts. 
When their conversation too fails and falls short, the neutron slightly opens its eyes and smiles. In some lucky days I can hear her clear, sometimes I am puzzled with what I heard and would go back to the proton and unravel that in a discussion.
But the good part about being aware of the presence of neutron even once is that, from then on you always know she is there. From then on your restlessness, falling, jumping, running around finds a grace in its mad revolves. The toil becomes dance. A mundane monologue becomes a theatre. You dance the entire day but know deep within--that’s not all.
Some days I do not hear from the proton and I know something is wrong. She is angrily sitting somewhere for me to realize that I have lost my track. Those are the days I grow lonely and watch my actions. I have no question to ask, no discussion to make, no agenda to throw tantrums on her. I then realize I have mistaken my moves as dance. I have to then pause, wait till I hear her music again and then change a few steps here and there and fall into the beats again to pick up the dance.
Some days, the proton would be constantly whispering and we would talk for hours…when suddenly I would realize, in all this chitter-chatters have I forgotten the neutron? I then have to slowly take my feet off the dance floor, close my eyes, let the beats fade out and feel that silence to look for her. If I can see her sitting there smiling back at me, I can wave back and return. If I do not see her there, I know what I lost. 
But my belief is, because the proton and neutron lives together in the nucleus, the proton almost works as a mediator. She understands both the language of silence and of words and hears the hums of the neutron and tries to communicate in a simpler form to the electron. So in the days, my dialogues are more regular with the proton, when I can hear the music sharp and clear in my dance…I also know there is a silence deep in me where the beats go and echo to join the humming of the Universe.

1 comment:

krunal varshikar said...

So true. I find that the proton, neutron and the electron somehow are inseperable. Much like the dual nature of matter or perhaps much based on the principles of uncertanity principle. But one thing is clear, within you lives an entire civilization. There is some dark matter, some quarks and millions of things which are not in lumps but they exist as a thin soup, thinner like vaccum. This is when I understand that somehow you are an enlightened being. From what I have read about Zen Meditation books, every trait which Aparajita is having is somehow making me more and more clear that Aparajita whom I know is not just herself. She is the universe. She is like the spider, sitting silently in the centre of web and meditating and understanding the entire rain forrest. There is nothing which surprizes her, but yeah she is always amused and compassionate for her rain forrest. For she knows one thing, she is the rain forrest. Appa, its so good to see your work after so many days. Really tranquilizing.