Wednesday, May 6, 2015

Love, Sex and meditation

(Work in Progress...) | Canvas and mixed media

I am a very privileged person, in the sense I didn’t choose to meditate. I just set forth with curiosity about life and existence and the mediums automatically chose me. “What meditation style do you follow?” To this question that is why, the answer I do not know. Similarly, I didn’t choose to paint or write or sing or dance, I get overwhelmed with extra dozes of emotions that I constantly want to express. The mediums automatically kept calling me. And with these constant urges I feel I am high all the time. “Do you take marijuana?” One of my colleagues had asked.  I don’t. But I realize what immense amount of drug the body can produce. I have a 24 X 7 bar inside me. Whenever I need to get intoxicated, I can go there, ask for a drink or two, get sloshed, lie drunk on the floor and then am taken to my bed and put to sleep.

I had started with few questions as a child and it feels like my whole life has been with the mission to reveal these. I have been finding the answers everywhere. And now I am in a stand where the love is still a mystery though but we are in a long-term relationship. We fought at times, we didn’t talk to each other for years, and then we bonded with triple the affection and now we are like old couples, tired of quarrels. We just look at each other and smile occasionally. 

“Do you believe in God?” I don’t go into these arguments anymore because I don’t know what else to believe in.

A major break had happened in my meditations after my 11th standard when I felt the chakras opening. There was a bundle of energy through my spine that traveled from the base of my root chakra till the heart chakra and later from heart traveled to throat and spreaded there and branched oscillating my entire body.

I told myself, “Enough now. Stop experimenting with yourself till you invite a damage.” Because that was the first time whatever was happening inside my mind had an actual effect on my body. I was a biology student. The spinal chord I wouldn’t be fiddling with.

After that, though I said, “No” on the face of meditation, it was very cunning in its moves. It is like all those ads in the internet. When you have selected a product and decided not to buy, whichever page you visit you will see it popping up in the ad column. God too has his marketing strategy and is a Casanova himself. Once he has sensed you are interested in him, he wouldn’t let you go so easily and will keep seducing till he gets you to bed finally. I can sense that vibes and Krishna that is why in my mind fits in the metaphor of God perfectly.

Though I was not meditating, I could see meditation happen to me. Those silent zones I had once explored, knowingly or unknowingly wherever I went, I kept re-visiting. During a musical concert, while I painted, while I read, while I sat by myself, while I sang, while I danced, while I traveled or while I did nothing that could initiate it. I would feel tremours in my spinal chord many times and there is a wave inside my body and while this dinosaur there was wrecking the building, I would say to it, “Shut up now and stop disturbing me!”

But formally I entered it during a workshop on Chakra cleansing by Ashtar Tashi in Zorba the Buddha, Delhi. I would on purpose do no chakra workshops. Long back I have said, “No” to all these. But since I was already in the festival and hearing this topic, the dinosaur now kept moaning, “Please. Please, just set me free.” It started throwing its feet around and cried. I thought I have been rude to it for many years and so I said, “Okay. Fine!”

One thing that helped me was the imaginations that were asked to create by Tashi. “Imagine the yellow light now spread.” “Imagine the beautiful purple spread all over.” Being a Graphic Designer and an artist, it is my every day job to deal with colours. And imagination is where I dwell and my bread and butter depends on it. This technique and I fitted like long lost soul-buddies. It was a ride. What a ride! She took us to the centre of the Earth and then made me as huge as the Universe. I was transparent. I was full of colours. I was radiating. I was there. I was not there.

Before she said, “You might feel a throbbing in this zone now.” I was already feeling that throb. The dino was happy and was giggling from one step to the other climbing the staircase shaking the building happily.

I felt I was unkind to myself for very long. With this, I was a better friend and how liberated did I feel. Thanks to Ashtar Tashi.

Later, in this same place Zorba the Buddha, there was a Dhrupad concert in the evening by Gundecha Brothers. I was a very lucky girl to have got a scholarship to learn Dhrupad under late Ustad Fahimuddin Dagar ji. I had stayed in his house for a month and oh God what an experience that was…life-changing, life-reviving, life itself was concentrated in that one month as the nucleus of my entire life to be.

I now kept remembering the speech by Steve Jobs. Your life would feel like random dots and one day you will look back and feel those dots have connected and formed a line. All the dots I had touched upon once were now joining with the other dots and rapidly forming a line.

When the Dhrupad recital began, I sat in the meditation posture and closed my eyes. I just wanted to enjoy the music. I wanted to remember my Guru ji and say thanks to him. The alap without the pakhawaj had ended. The tunes and the voice were traveling inside me, resonating with my cells, opening them up, making them ready to receive. By the time the pakhawaj started I did not realize I was already pulled a little inside. With each beat on the pakhawaj now my body started to vibrate. It hit my head again and again and I wanted to open my eyes. While I did that I realized I was too far gone. My eyelids were forcefully shut, my eye balls would roll back. My body would go motionless. I could not anymore hear the music. 

“Hello there! Whoever you are. I came here to listen to the music. Not a good time to shut my ears now. Doesn’t make sense. And there are so many people around. If you make me sit so still, with my eyes closed and tears rolling, I will just be taken as a fake, pretentious person doing some drama like they do when spirits come upon and exorcists heal. Let me be now. I will get back to you when I am by myself, all alone. Take me wherever you want to take me then. Not now. Please.”

But as I said this is not so easy. I was getting deeper and deeper and so overwhelmed that I would now sob from time to time as the tears just streamed down. The funny thing is years back I had to make myself sit and struggle to calm myself down to be able to meditate. And here I was sitting, struggling to not go there and the “calm” wouldn’t just leave me. It was like making love in public. You explain to your lover, “It’s a private thing. Please understand. Not now. There are people around. We will do it once we get home.” But the lover doesn’t just care. He wants it now. There and then.

I then stopped opposing, seduced by now I gave in. He took me very deep, underneath the ocean, the ponds…above which the lilies bloomed. Few golden fish wagged their tails and swam around.

I tried to understand that space. It feels like the entire Universe has a core, like how the Earth has. The magnetic intensity is the highest there. Similarly, this spot is the core of the Universe, with tremendous magnetic pull. And this centre has the centre for everything. This coincides with the centre of me, of the Sun, of the Moon, of all the planets, of the Earth, of you, of us, of the entire Universe and everything in it. For everything there is a common centre, and that is what connects all of us. This is that navel of Vishnu from which everything has emerged.  

Just to try the intensity of the space, like an astronaut who would jump on the surface of the moon to test the gravity, like a lover who would intentionally push away just to be pulled back in, I forcefully tried to go away from there. I swam towards the surface, tried to open my eyes, tried to disturb the stillness. He took me back into his arms lovingly and kept me there held again.

I tried to further explore the moment and understand. I was not my body anymore. Though I was thinking, it didn’t feel like the normal thoughts. I just had a presence, that's it. I had an existence and it had its own body and mind. Its like the subconscious has become the conscious now. And conscious has stopped. It felt like I didn’t exist anymore and yet existence was the only truth that time. I was not experiencing. I have myself become “experience”.

We held each other for very long. The concert was coming to an end. From far above I heard people talking. We kissed to part. He let me go... gently and slowly. I swam towards the surface. Came back to the shore. Opened my eyes. The hall room slowly came to my vision. I found myself there. I stood up, touched the feet of these great maestros through whom I could have this wonderful journey.

On the way back to my room, I thought, what a charmer. I have already dealt with few in my life and suffered the pain. But this is like the biggest pain of all. Now I know what you did to Radha. What you have been doing to all these gopis. What you did to Meera. And now you have been after me. 

But despite of everything, I know, whenever the flute would be played, no matter how busy I am, no matter where I am, no matter what work I have, no matter I exist or not, I now have no choice, oh the mysterious blue-bodied Krishna, with a golden flute and a peacock's plume on hair, but "dance". 

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