Thursday, October 15, 2015

What is RIGHT about today’s "Dating Culture"

 Digital Painting 2013

“What are you looking for?”
“Nothing serious and you?”
“A relationship.”

And the two people finish their dinner over a wonderful conversation, bid each other “all the best” with smiles and part.

There is something very beautiful about this incident. And the beauty is “honesty” and the space provided to be honest. Just a few years back “not looking for anything serious” was a crime. “Just wanting to get laid” was a criminal act.

The aunties and uncles will tell you… gone are those days when people knew how to love, how to dedicate their life for a partner, how to hold hands till the graph on the heart rate monitor went bip bip bip and null.

But aunties and uncles hardly tell about all those zombies who had single-mindedly dedicated their life. One member out of the heavenly relationship almost always lived in heaven though in the living form. A dead walking soul programmed to sacrifice. If that is the way things are planned, well of course it will last. We all know a plastic flower lasts longer in the flower vase than an original one. An original flower when blooms, fills the room with fragrance, invites unnecessary troubles of bees hovering around and insects and when it decays leaves foul smell and dies.

Love may not always be meant to last.

What must start with the exchange of roses if taken to the garden and planted can then become a relationship, which needs water, soil and fertilizer.

“Young people these days don’t know how to make it work.” Did you really find out if two people being together necessarily meant they were wanting to plant? When you see a couple, you easily assume and so when they part you assume they are failures. What agreement they had within, what unique fragrance they cultivated you may not have the clue of.

And again, even if they did want to make it work, there are two people involved. Two alive people with consciousness, ideas, minds of their own and thoughts, dreams and ambitions. And a quadratic equation is of course tougher than a simple one.

It is okay to worry about how to make two conscious minds tick and research and suggest ways to make relations last but it is definitely not okay to take the examples of the previous generation.

When I go home and sit around the relatives while they discuss the cousins’ marriages analyzing the neighbour’s love life, I get a clear picture of all those magical formulas that were used for the ever-lasting loves.

“You should always marry a woman much younger. If similar in age she will talk back.” So, yes, if the trouble in a marriage is argument and clashes of ideas, one member should not have any ideas at all.

“You should never let a woman handle money. She will then not feel dependent. Why will she even come back?” That indeed is logical. You should train a man so that he cannot even move a glass to pour the water so that he feels the constant need of her. And you should train the woman to not know to deal with money so that she always needs him for that necessary part. And thus you have the perfect relation, a lame man sitting on the shoulders of a blind man and they together symbiotically wonderfully function. The lame directs the ways and the blind walks with absolute faith towards the direction.

So when I hear the silver-haired groups gloriously discuss, “Where is this world heading now? Gone are those days when….etc etc and etc” I wonder, “The worst has already happened grandma. What more can happen now.”

So why anyway the confused generation don’t necessarily always want to make things last? The answer you thought you knew. Consumed in the devil’s power of lust, they gave in to the sin and are eternally lost.

Well, if you met someone during your school days or college and in the first sight felt he or she is the one, good for you. Wish you a wonderful life. But people are different and in different stages in their lives and have different priorities and styles of approaching and testing and exploring and reaching the destination and may be not reaching at all.

Before you meet that 2+2=4, if you do feel you need to find out what 2+3, 2+5, 2+6, 2+0 or 2+10 is like, go right ahead with honesty in your heart. Two honest people with clarity over their confusion and willing to be lost will only help each other find themselves right. Even if it is a painful story, it would be that necessary pain which will make you wise. It will make you aware of all those areas in your heart, mind and soul you were unaware of. It will cleanse you to a point you can see yourself like a crystal.

I was once during the sunset returning home. The sky was crimson and golden in colour. On the electric wire I saw a bird sitting alone and basking in the Sun. I thought “Ohh so sad. I wish there was someone.” And then immediately I traced my thought. I had assumed the bird was lonely because it was alone in a beautiful time. I asked myself, you go to restaurants sometimes alone in such sunsets and read while sipping wine, do you feel lonely that time? The answer was "no". I usually have a ball.
Then I realized all those people sitting around me in that restaurant must have thought I was such a lonely woman. I must have come here with utter depression, finding nobody to accompany and thus carried my fate along waiting eagerly for the prince charming to emerge from the Sunset and carry me on his horse-back and disappear towards the happily ever after...

That’s how we read situations.

I am a happy single woman. I love myself. I love the relationship I have with my inner self that I built little by little over a long period of time. I feel complete. I feel free. I feel satisfied.

I also love company. I love to be with another person carrying another world. I get to learn, share, talk, laugh and celebrate together but not at the cost of letting go my own relation.

As an artist and a creative individual I need to constantly go back to myself, sink in and be alone. I can thus vouch that alone can be the most intimate relation you can have. However, does not mean I am never lonely. Sometimes I am. I then meet people, go for movies, talk and rebuild that connection.

When being with another person is the only time you feel complete, you would be ready to go far to compromise. If you feel complete alone and complete also in the company of someone, you would not want to make too many compromises because it is not a necessity that time. And as our grandparents told us, that is exactly when relations don’t last. Two complete people will not last long together. And it is right. Two complete people will not last long if they scoop out each other to make fitting slots.

But if it still happens, it is rare. It is spiritual. It is that code cracked out of not necessity but choice. Out of the desire to celebrate togetherness and willing to not part. Out of the love for self and equal love for another and other.

And as it very well sounds it is not easy “not to find that someone” but “to be that someone”, chances are that divorces are naturally meant to be common. There is nothing to be so shocked and disgusted that divorces are getting so common now.  In fact marriages lasting should be the rare chances that came completely out of willingness, completeness and love.

Society should prepare for broken ties, re-ties, children without complexes of failed relations, helping hands and attitude in the society towards single parent and then all that leads to what we call the “community living” that is again and again suggested to nurture. When the child born, belongs to everyone. When the couple in relation can set their own unique rule as to how they want that union. When the priority in the society is love, happiness, completeness and self-realization and NOT making it last at any cost.

So go right ahead. Stay single till 50, 60 or 70 if that’s what you want. Marry at 99 if you have cracked that code only then and that becomes your right time. Fall in love once and make that your last, if that’s what your heart beats at. Or explore until you have found yourself or feel you don’t need to settle at all. Biology, society, needs and wants will all find replacements and adjust accordingly unless you have decided to adjust with the core of your heart.

But keeping everything variable lets keep one central thread constant: honesty, genuinity, truth, purity and love.

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